(Note! The new stuff is added to the Humor page 2)
The following definitions are mainly for mechanics, as they sometimes forget the proper use for each tool.
Hammer - A tool used for tapping on oil pans, water pumps and other brittle pot-metal castings to see if he has forgotten to remove all the bolts.
Mechanics Knife - Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons, works particulary well on boxes containing upholstery, convertible tops
and many delicate items. Also see "Band-aids"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL - Used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floorboard of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
PLIERS - Used to round off bolt heads. Also pinch fingers. See "Band-Aids"
HACKSAW -This cutting device works on the Ouliji board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. It is also against the rules to have any extra blades.
VISE-GRIPS See Pliers If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACYTELENE TORCH - Used almost entirely for lighting cigarettes.
ZIPPO LIGHTER - See oxyacytelene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS - Once used for working on British cars and Motorcycles, now kept in a drawer to hide 6-month old Camels from the sort of person who would throw them away.
DRILL PRESS - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering against the 1965 Marilyn Monroe calendar over the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER - Equipped with a wire wheel to clean rust off old bolts and then throw them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light, Also removes fingerprint whorls and finger nails.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK - Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports and lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle under the front air dam.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 - Used for levering the car upward off the jack handle.
TWEEZERS - A tool used to remove wood slivers. See "Band-Aids"
PHONE - Used to call a friend to see if you can borrow his Hydraulic Floor Jack and some Band-Aids.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPPER - Used as a tool to spread mayonnaise on a greasy sandwich, but used mainly to remove dog poop from the sole of your shoes. Preferably in that order.
E-Z OUT EXTRACTOR - A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any drill bit known to man.
TIMING LIGHT - A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crank shaft pulleys. and to test the tips of your fan blade.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST - A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you forgot to disconnect.
SHOP MANUAL - A kind of mirror whose smudges and stains reflect the true soul of the clean and innocent car parked nearby. ( resembles a police blotter)
SHOP-RAGS - Composed almost entirely of pink lint, shop rags are essentially a washable version of the shop manual. When laundered at home they add a new scent to the washer and dryer which in turn works well to prevent over population.
1/2 X 16-IN. SCREWDRIVER - A, large motor mount prying tool that has an accurately machined screwdriver tip opposite the handle.
COMPRESSION GAUGE - Used by overly cautious mechanics who do not own a 2-ton hydraulic engine hoist or a 1/2 x 16 in. screwdriver.
OUTSIDE MICROMETER - A device for periodically reviewing the meaning of all those little incremental marks on the barrel and trying to remember whether they translate into thousandths or hundred thousandths of an inch. Also exactly how many decimal places to the right of the period that is.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER - A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining the battery is deader than the sex life was with your ex-wife.
METRIC WRENCHES - Tools when used on most American cars will reap the same benefit as Pliers.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS - see HACKSAW and Band-Aids
TROUBLE LIGHT - The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not found under cars at night. It's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, the name is somewhat misleading. (other than when called a "Drop Light" and when you do it is then dark) They are also use to test your sence of smell. Mainly to see if you can tell the difference between the smell of melting screwdriver handles and burning carpet, Connaly leather or MG vynel seats.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER - Normally used to stab the lids of old style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil or your shirt. (see shop rags) Also used to round out Phillips head screws. It's true purpose is to line up bolt holes.
STRAIGHT BLADE SCREWDRIVER - It's main purpose is to mark paint next to screw heads and to sell more Band-Aids when hands are placed near screw heads. It doubles as gasket scraper (since the gasket scraper is in use elseware) In an emergency it can be put to good use prying two aluminum cases apart that still has one bolt holding it.
AIR COMPRESSOR - A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning powerplant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic airwrench that grips suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago at a factory in Michigan or England, and rounds them off. Or brakes them off before you notice it is set for the wrong direction.
GREASE GUN - A messy tool for checking to see if your zirk fittings are still plugged with rust.
DEEP-WELL SOCKETS - Normally used as piston-pin and wheel bearing drifts, deep-well sockets are also good for drawing circles when coffee can lids are too big.
Flex sockets - This socket has many aliases, "Universal Sockets", "Wiggle Tails"and sometimes they are known by a varity of four letter words. These apply when used with an air wrench. At this time their true purpose comes to light. That is to throw nuts to match the bolts that the bench grinder disposed of. Somewhere there are matching nuts and bolts that the bench grinder and the air wrench conspired to deposit. We are not sure of this because no one has ever found them.
Band-Aids - Has absolutly no use at all since they
will not stick to any permently greesy finger.
For those of you who have not received the following by e-mail. Here it is on paper. Turbo vs. Moped A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Bentley Turbo R. He was told it was one of the best and most expensive cars available in the world. he takes it out for a spin and while stopped at a red light, an old man on a moped ( both looking about 90 years old ) The old man over the sleek shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there , sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Bentley Turbo R. They cost about half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 200 miles per hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes, so the young man decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer is reading over 120 miles per hour. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! he slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, Whhoooossshhh!! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Bentley?!" the young man asks himself. Then ahead of him he sees a dot coming toward him. Whhooossshhh! it goes by again, heading in the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped out run a Turbo R.?!" Again he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Ka-BbblaMMM!! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. He stops and jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "Your badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"
I think I seen this in a cartoon once. I'm a quick learn so I see the moral of this story as; If you are going to ware suspenders be sure you are the one who drives the Bentley.
Language Baryor News break! The European Commission has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German ( the other possibility ). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that Engilish spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a five-year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as Euro-English ( EE ).
The agreed plan is as follows:
In one year, the soft 'c' would be repaced by 's'. Sertainly, this will make the Sivil Servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This will klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekon year, when the troublesome 'ph' is replaced by 'f'. This will reduse the word 'fotograf' by 20%. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the languag is disgraseful and they should eliminat them. By year four peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' ( saving mor keyboard spas ). During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombimations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrirun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
Ths is the wy I spl evry thng
While working on your Metropolitan Or MG, some of you may have seen the letters MOWOG etched into various parts. Some of us were wondering what this meant. After extensive research on the subject, here are some of my findings.
At first glance, it would appear that MOWOG is an acronym, for Morris Wolseley Garages. This was a company formed in 1938 with the amalgamation of Morris, MG, Wolseley, and Riley. This company went on to join with Austin-Vanden Plas in 1952 to form BMC, and in turn British Leland in 1968 along with Daimler-Jaguar, Triumph, etc. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In actual fact, MOWOG has a much more colorful story than this.
What Does MOWOG stand for?
Contrary to popular believe MOWOG is NOT the name of the gorilla that over-tightens the bolt on the flywheel pulley, or strips the nuts on the front-end. BUT a Mowog is a type of Troll who jumps up and down on the valves to open them! Hence the name on the casting, specially designed to hold a Mowog! He is made of very heavy metal so that his weight will open the valves against the resistance of the valve springs. When your engine is cold, the springs take more effort to open, so the ticking noise you hear is him banging his head on the cover. Unfortunately they bounce a bit too high if you overrev the engine, which is what the tappity tappity sound is.
They were supplied free of charge by the factory for the benefit of the local
dealerships and repair shops. However, they were a little too zealous
in their work and forced a large number of their owners to begin fiddling
with the cars themselves. In the process of tracking down a nagging little
problem, the owners often came across the little critters and gave them the
boot. This soon led to a large number of unemployed little MOWOGgies running around the countryside.
They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and they soon found out
that the Metropolitan and MG, with all of it's hard to reach spaces, could have a number of the little fiends residing in the same car. They soon came to realize that if they each specialized in one area of the car and worked in cooperation with one another, they could soon wreak havoc on the owner's sanity and he would be forced to take them to the local garage, where the grateful mechanics would pamper them during their stay and even let them do their dirty deeds to some of the non-MOWOG cars in for service, as long as it didn't relate to the problem the car was in for currently. This is one of
the reasons that the service technicians don't like the customer to watch
them work. The MOWOGs are so at ease around the mechanics that they will come out into the open while the car is being worked on to see if they can help!
Have you ever had your car in for a minor tune-up and when you got it back, the turn signals no longer worked? The mechanic, or course, claims that they didn't get anywhere near the electrics and that it must be "coincidence". Thank your little furry friends for that one. They had a special liking for Lucas equipment and did a nasty number on that company's reputation in short order.
As time went by and the cars started ending up in the scrapyards, there were more and more of the monsters roaming about looking for a new home. They tended to look for the older, neglected cars, as they knew they could do their dirty work with less chance of detection. I'm sure you all know at least one poor soul who has a car infested with these little vermin going merrily about their work, and he hasn't a clue they're even there! Many of these cars change hands quite often, as a result and each successive owner now has to deal with their mischief. One must be careful, however, not to park in close proximity to one of these rolling wrecks for fear of attracting some of the more adventurous among them, willing to come right out in the open to jump ship and inhabit your vehicle.
The problem came to be especially bad in their home country when the MOT
began requiring annual vehicle inspections. It became a point pride and competition among them to see who could cause the most failures the night before inspection after the owner went to bed secure in the knowledge that the car was in top shape and ready to pass muster the next day.
The only known way to rid your car of these little beasts is to completely
strip down the car to every last nut and bolt, thereby exposing all their
possible hidey-holes. The car must then be left in a disassembled state for
at least a month to ensure that they don't take up residence again. After
two or three weeks they usually get very frantic and will look for another
car to inhabit. If they can't find another Metropolitan, they'll often jump to the first car that comes along, venting their frustration on their new landlord. Poor soul!
A fairly sizable number have even managed to survive the trip across the
Pond. They have since become somewhat fat and lazy in their endeavors and tend not to be too much of a bother except in rush hour traffic jams and middle of the night excursions on dark roads in bad neighborhoods.
So that's the story of the MOWOG monster. If you think you've got one, look for
tiny, greasy fingerprints in some of the harder to reach areas of your car and start
keeping a log of the problems you're having. If you find that you have more than three
unrelated problems in a two month period,
especially after getting the car out of the repair shop, it's time to face
the fact that you too are providing a home for one or more of the MOWOG
Gerald A. Henry
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A female came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Here is the picture .........
SECRET TO HEALTH AND NUTRITION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."
Redneck Pet Carrier
Judgment or Prejudgment?
A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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