Humor

Page 11

 Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.    It was ruled"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"..  .and thus the word GOLF entered
 into the English language.

  In the 1400s a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.   Hence we have "the rule
 of  thumb."

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
 and Wilma Flintstone.

 Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

 Men can read smaller print than women can;  women can hear better.

 Coca-Cola was originally green.

 It is impossible to lick your elbow.

 The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

 The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
 The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

 The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

 The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

 Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

 The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

 The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from  history:

 Spades - King David
 Hearts - Charlemagne
 Clubs -Alexander the Great
 Diamonds - Julius Caesar

 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in  the
 air, the person died in battle.  If the horse has one front leg in the air
 the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.  If the horse
 has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
 Hancock and Charles Thomson.  Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
 the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

 Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
 A. Their birthplace

 Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
 A. Obsession

 Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
 you would find the letter "A"?
 A. One thousand

 Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
 A. All were invented by women.

 Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
 A. Honey

 Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
 A. Father's Day

 In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
 When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
 to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "good night, sleep tight."

 It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
 after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
 the mead he could drink.   Mead is a honey beer and because their
 calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month ..... which we
 know today as the honeymoon.

 In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...   So in old
 England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
 your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your Ps and Qs."

 Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
 rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they
 used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
 inspired by this practice.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

 At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

 Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
 I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.The
 phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
 Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
 olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
 sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
 raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig, huh??

A nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a check.  She
 reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write
 with it.  Realizing her mistake, she looks up at the teller and says, "Well
 that's great......just great.....Some ass-hole's got my pen."

Here's The Pot At The End of The Rainbow

A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.

 The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a
 barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom
 when he reached the speed of sound.

 The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.

 The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."

The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot
 came back on and said "What did you think about that?"

 The 16 pilot asked, "what the Hell did you do?"

 The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the
 back poured a cup of coffee and took a leak."