Humor 2

GRAINS OF SALT






1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.



3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car..

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.



5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.



7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.






9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.



10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.




11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.



13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.



15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.



17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.



19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. No matter how hard we try, something will go right.


Go On! Click on me and make yourself feel good!




American Business

A Japanese company and an American company decided to
have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both the
teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance before the race. On the big day the
Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team
became very discouraged and morally depressed.

The American management decided the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found. A "Management Team"
made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was
the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 8 persons
steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and
paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised
that too many people were steering the boat, while not
enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the
rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
steering manager. They also implemented a new
performance system that would give the 1 person rowing
the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was
called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with
meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower.

"We must give the rower the empowerment and
enrichments through this quality program." The next
year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold
the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for
new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved
as bonuses to the senior executives.


Farmer John lived on a quiet  rural highway. But, as time went by, the
traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over
at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to
do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my
chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
 "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that
said:
   SLOW:
   SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do
something about these drivers.   The 'school crossing' sign seems to make
them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign:
    SLOW:
   CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every
day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up
my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get
him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity
go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to
go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go
out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE
could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
     NUDIST  COLONY
   Go slow and watch out for the chicks!



NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it; so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!


        Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1.  Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

       Remember?

I don't remember if I sent this one out. . . ...
I don't think I did . . . uh, or did you send it to me?

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

 6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

 7. If all is not lost, where is it?

 8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. . .

15. It's hard to make a come-back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. .

20. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. I unable to remember if I have mailed this to you or not.

24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . uh, what's it called? Oh, yeah, . . . absent minded.

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