Humor

Page 4

 For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a
 refresher course.

 Now you know everything!

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood  plasma.
 No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
 Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
 Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
 The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
 The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
 American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
 from each salad served in first-class.
 Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
 Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
 Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
 (No wonder my house is so DUSTY! LOL!)
 The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
 So did the first "Marlboro Man."
 Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
 Pearls melt in vinegar.
 The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and
 Budweiser, in that order.
 It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
 A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
 Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)                       
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters
 from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
 (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!) And the best for last.
 Turtles can breathe through their butts.
 (I know some people like that; don't YOU?) Now you know everything there
 is to know. Of importance that is.


A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.  There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs.  It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.


A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.  "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a
little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and
he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl
of dry cereal.  "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.


"Well," his mother! says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?


KIDS WILL BE KIDS:
 
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio.  They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for adults and therefore no time for war or arguements.
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.  He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I
soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all
other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking
about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (SEE REPLY BELOW)
______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem about which men are complaining.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by
its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from
the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual
under Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support. I recommend that you
keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest
installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs,
such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstance, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to
the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
 
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.   The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. 
 
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."  WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, get up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
 
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks w! ith a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
 
 
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be CHEERIOS."
 

 


 THE PARROT

 A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
 attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
 was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
 music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's
 vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The
parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

 Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
 freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
 said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
 I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
 intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
 John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
 As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
 in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Scientists have discovered that desert tumbleweeds are excellent at removing radioactive uranium from contaminated soil while absorbing moisture. However, when they've absorbed enough they...well....roll away, becoming the little nuclear-powered tumbleweeds we are all familiar with. Researchers are attempting to modify the plants so they will not pull up roots and leave after they've completed their job.

*****************

According to Wal-Mart, the best selling item in it's stores during the recent hurricanes in Florida wasn't what you'd expect. No, it wasn't food, water or batteries. It was beer. I guess having your trailer blow away isn't as important as how much you'll care while it's happening.

*****************

In eastern Louisiana earlier this month a bag containing money stolen from a casino was found woven inside a beaver dam wall by authorities.

St. Helena Parish deputies searched for the money for days until a lawyer, hoping to make a deal with prosecutors for a client, called and said the money had been discarded in the creek.

While searching the creek, police found two bags of money but were unable to locate a third. It wasn't until breaking apart the beaver dam did they find the stolen loot, still intact, woven into the dam wall.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,

"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! 

I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

 With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

 Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

 The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

 Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

"The Body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

 Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework, and

Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


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