Humor 6

Young King Arthur was ambushed and
imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch
could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So,
the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer
a very difficult question. Arthur
would have a year to figure out the
answer and, if after a year, he still
had no answer, he would be put to
death.

The question?....What do women
really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query. But, since it was
better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and
began to poll everyone: the princess,
the priests, the wise men and even
the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him
a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult
the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.

But the price would be high; as
the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant
prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived
and Arthur had no choice but to
talk to the witch. She agreed to
answer the question, but he would
have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir
Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and
Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She
was hunchbacked and hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like
sewerage, made obscene noises,
etc. He had never encountered
such a repugnant creature in all
his life.

He refused to force his friend
to marry her and endure such a
terrible burden, but Lancelot,
learning of the proposal, spoke
with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a
sacrifice compared to Arthur's
life and the preservation of the
Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed
and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants, she
answered....is to be in charge of
her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly
knew that the witch had uttered
a great truth and that Arthur's
life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring
monarch granted Arthur his
freedom and Lancelot and the
witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached
and Lancelot, steeling
himself for a horrific experience,
entered the bedroom. But, what
a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever
seen, lay before him on the bed.
The astounded Lancelot asked
what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he
had been so kind to her when
she appeared as a witch, she
would henceforth, be her
horrible deformed self only
half the time and the beautiful
maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer?
Beautiful during the day....or
night?

Lancelot pondered the
predicament. During the day, a
beautiful woman to show off to
his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his castle, an old
witch? Or, would he prefer
having a hideous witch during the
day, but by night, a beautiful
woman for him to enjoy wondrous,
intimate  moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice
before you scroll down below.
OKAY?


Noble Lancelot, knowing the
answer the witch gave Arthur to
his question, said that he would
allow HER to make the choice
herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced
that she would be beautiful all
the time because he had
respected her enough to let her
be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to
this story? 






The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....
things are going to get ugly.

(1)  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the
   passengers in his car."

             --Author Unknown

(2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you   get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
   "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

             --Author Unknown


(3) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they  meet at the bar."

            --Drew Carey


(4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
    doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

            --Jeff Foxworthy



(5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

             --Dave Barry

(6) "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and  we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend
    wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
    you, they should have to find you a temp."

             --Bob Ettinger


(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

             --Paula Poundstone



(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the
   authors of that study: "Duh."

             --Conan O'Brien


(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
   I could be eating a slow learner."

             --Lynda Montgomery


(10) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

             --Richard Jeni


(11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

             --Johnny Carson


(12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography!"

             --Paul Rodriguez


(13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

             --Jerry Seinfeld

(14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
     from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?"

             --Warren Hutcherson



(15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

             --Oscar Wilde


(16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

             --Mark Twain


(17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can find Afghanistan."

             --A. Whitney Brown


(18) "Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place."

             --Billy Crystal


(19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ! 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

             --Dave Barry

For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course.

 The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.                                                            No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.                                                                       Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."                                Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)
Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that; don't YOU?)

Now you know everything!

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.  There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs.  It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.  "Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a
little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and
he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl
of dry cereal.  "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.


"Well," his mother! says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk."


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a
smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?

KIDS WILL BE KIDS:
 
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio.  They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for adults and therefore no time for war or arguments.
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.  He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Humor 7

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