Humor 7

 

YOU KNOW YOU BELONG TO A REDNECK CHURCH IF......

...  the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

..  a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." 

... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

... people think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

... the choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

.. the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah"

Hurricane Rita was not funny, but if you prepare properly you can get through these storms with what is important.

  

Hurricane Survival Kit

Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice........................................check

Budweiser...........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check

Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on...check

Next time let ' s all be more prepared.

 

See Picture……..

 
 
 
 
 A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old
 monastery.  He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door.  A
 monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him  to spend the night.
 
 The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to
 sleep.  The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was
 awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
 
 The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked
about  the sound that had woke him.
 
 "We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound.
 You're not a monk."
 
 The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the
 monks for their kindness and went on his way.  During quiet moments
 afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
 Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area.
 He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance.  He
 explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he
 wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their
 peaceful roof.  The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them
 again.
 
 Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound.  The following
 morning he begged the monks to explain the sound.  The monks gave him
 the same answer as before.
 
 "We're sorry.  We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a
monk."
 
 By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.  He decided to
 give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he
 could learn about the sound.  He informed the monks of his decision
 and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.  Seventeen
 years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the
 order.
 
 When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order
 and asked to be told the source of the sound.
 
 Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door.  He
 opened the door with a golden key.  That door swung open to reveal a
 second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had
 passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.
 The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld
 the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so
 many years before..........

 

 

 

 But, I can't tell you what it was.  You're not a monk!
 

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning
freight vessel.  While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the
men stumbled across an old lamp.  Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.  To the amazement of the castaways, one did
come forth.  This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances.  The other man looked disgustedly at the
one whose wish had been granted.



After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:  "Nice going!  Now we're
going to have to pee in the boat!"

Gotta love little boys....

To all my friends who have sons.....and
 those who don't.....it seems that two young boys walked into a pharmacy
 one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout
 counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are
 you?" "Eight", the boy replied.
 The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied,
 "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little
 brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be
 able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one now.

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold.  But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken
grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.
When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!
Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you", he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.
Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she
inquires.
"No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message.. as I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling................
" THAT'S NACHO CHEESE "!


TEACHER:       Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:             Here it is.
TEACHER:      Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:            Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:    Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK:         Because of the sign.
TEACHER:    What sign?
FRANK:         The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow.
_________________________________
TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:        Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN:             K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER:        No, that's wrong
GLENN:             Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER:       Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:         H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:       What are you talking about?
DONALD:         Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:       Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't  have ten years ago.
WINNIE:            Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:      Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:             Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:       Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE:              I  is...
TEACHER:       No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE:             All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER:       George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree,  but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:             Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER:       Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON:              No sir, I don't have to,  my Mom is a good cook
______________________________

TEACHER:       Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE:             No, teacher, it's the same dog.
______________________________
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer,  Interested?
HAROLD:        A teacher.

Men Are Just Happier People --

 What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.  Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier

 

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:


1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.  done that!
2. Causes you to send  blank e-mail!  that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.  well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."  and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

When Graphic Artist Get Bored

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Humor 8