Humor 9

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious
when offered drinks by women.  Females are using a date rape drug called
"beer" to target unsuspecting men.  This drug comes in liquid form and is
available nearly everywhere.
"Beer" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go
home with them.  Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these
"beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex  -  a simple
approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "beers" , men will have sex with even unattractive women.
 Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible
 headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.  Some really
unfortunate men are even separated from their life savings in a scam called
a "relationship".
In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term
servitude through a punishment called "marriage". Apparently, men are much
more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know.  Male support groups exist in
every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in
an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
 For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf
Courses".

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on
from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?
You're pecker is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old
 man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well ... last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.."

One day, vhile fishing under da I-94 bridge in West Central Wisconsin, Lars made a confession to Ole and Sven. "Ve all been friends for tirty years and been truough a lot togedder. I never told ya dis before cause I didn't vonna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay."

 

Ole looked over at Sven and said, "We kinda figured dat out a vhile back, but vasn't gonna say nutting cause ve din't vanna embarrass you."

 

Lars thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tellin' ya dis is cause I got AIDS and I got only six munts ta liv. You are da only family I got and I vant ya to promise me dat ya vont let dem barry me. I'm scared of dem caskets. I vanna be cremated. Den, I vant ya to trow my ashes from dat bridge into dis river vhere ve've spent so much time togedder."

 

Ole and Sven wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend asked.

 

By Golly, six munts later Lars up and died. They vere standin' on da bridge vith da ashes. Ole vas about to trow them out vhen Sven stops him: "Vait, you gotta say sumting," he says.

 

"I don't know vhat to say. I never waz much bout goin' to church" Ole admitted.

 

Sven, he scratch his head, "Yust say somting....anyting, Make it rhyme."

 

Ole, he tought about it a vhile and started trowing the ashes out over the river and said, "Ashes ta ashes, Dus ta dus, If you liked vomen, You'd be here vith us

 
HARVARD TEST   
 
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard  University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud  without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
 2. This is is cat
 3. This is how cat
 4. This is to cat
 5. This is keep cat
 6. This is an cat
 7. This is old cat
 8. This is fart cat
 9. This is busy cat
 10. This is for cat
 11. This is forty cat
 12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down  and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

Irish Beer

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

 Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman, "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."

 Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next, "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."

 Hans steps up next, "In Germany , ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."

 Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward, "Barman, would ya give me a Diet Coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."

 The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces.

 Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

 Paddy replies, "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!

PRE-SCHOOL TEST
 
 
Pre-school children were asked the following question:
 
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"
 

 
Look carefully at the picture.
 
Do you know the answer?
 
The only possible answers are "left" and "right."
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
Think about it .
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
Still don't know?
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
Okay, I'll tell you.
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
V
 
The pre-schoolers all answered "left."
 
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?" they answered:
 
"Because you can't see the door."
 
Feel pretty silly now, don't you?
 
I know ... me, too.
 

   The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old
 woman for most of her
 life finally retired. At her next checkup, the
 new doctor told her to
 bring a list of all the medicines that had been
 prescribed for her.

 As the young doctor was looking through these,
 his eyes grew wide as he
 realized she had a prescription for birth
 control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do
 you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

 "Yes, they help me sleep at night."

 "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely
 NOTHING in these that
 could possibly help you sleep!"

 She reached out and patted the young doctor's
 knee.  "Yes, dear, I know
 that, but every morning, I grind one up and mix
 it in the glass of
 orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
 drinks...

 And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

You gotta like Grandmas!!!!!

 

You have to like to eat road kill chili to appreciate this one. And so it
goes. JP

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at
the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you
ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
His best cowboy manner says,"Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to
the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking
and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

Somewhere near Rochester, New York, Ed set out to bag his buck at 5:30 a.m.  By 11:30 a.m., he was exhausted and hungry--and still no buck.  At 12 noon, the mighty hunter Ed guards the remains of his lunch while a passerby snaps a quiet photo while trying not to startle the deer with a belly laugh . .

Shot from the USS HONOLULU (Los Angeles-class fast attack submarine) at the Arctic Circle, 280 miles from the North Pole--is there anything that scares a polar bear?


 

 It's always nice to have rock solid information on the weather .


A definite entrepreneurial spirit . .


 

It's good to focus on what's important . .


Consider yourself warned .



Let's get all bases covered . .

 

Clearly, you're not wanted on this property!


And who said politics is boring?


Like, how many was that?

 

My personal favorite . . .


And, finally, the many shades of meaning

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